Fall Movie Preview: Which Movies Not to See

I like to think that regardless of whether I know a good movie or not, I at least know what will suck or not be worth your time in the theaters. I’ve found a few coming out this fall and I have my reasons for marking them with a red flag, blacklisting them, badmouthing them, etc.

Some of them might have potential to be a worthwhile rental/on-demand/illegal download – whichever your prefer – but these movies are not worth your time in theaters considering the list of good movies (see the good movie list here) that will actually stimulate you in new and familiar ways to the point of being worth an Alexander Hamilton.

For this list, I’m not even ranking them, putting in release dates or attaching pictures as that’s all immaterial seeing as you won’t want to see them after you read this anyway. Okay, maybe this one picture as a sign of warning:

 

 

  “2012”

If you fall for “From the Director of “Independence Day”” in the trailer for “2012” and go see this movie, I have nothing to say to you. “Independence Day” came out over ten years ago and it’s still being used to get people to see Roland Emmerich’s bad disaster movies. “Godzilla,” “The Day After Tomorrow” and “10,000 B.C.” make up his credentials. Were any of those worth seeing in the theaters? You can make a case for “Day After Tomorrow” being a good DVD film, but that’s it. The trailer for “2012” looks like slap-happy CGI artists wanting to recreate all the world’s landmarks digitally and then destroying them with tidal waves or earthquakes or whatever stuff we already saw in “Day After Tomorrow.” I seriously doubt there’s intriguing Mayan apocalypse lore in this movie to make it worth it. I guess if nothing gets you going like seeing big buildings go boom, you should see it, but I have no pity for the person who sees this movie.

 

“Love Happens”

Has Jennifer Anniston even made a good romantic comedy lately? I’ll give a bit of credit to “Marley & Me” though I didn’t see it, but not to “He’s Just Not That Into You,” “Management” or “The Break-Up.” And as much as I like Aaron Eckhart, he hasn’t exactly been a romantic comedy success in either “Bill” or “No Reservations,” so my inclination is to warn you to stay away despite your cries of “but it’s Jennifer Anniston!” and “It’s the guy from “The Dark Knight!”” And just because it takes place in Seattle doesn’t make it an instant romance classic either. All I can tell you is unless you liked Kevin Costner’s movie “Dragonfly” (it was written by the same pair), you don’t have to let love happen at the movies this fall.

 

 

 “Cirque Du Freak: The Vampire’s Assistant”

Strike one: It’s not a sequel and there’s a colon in the title. That alone should turn you away. It’s like the studio’s afraid it won’t draw if the word vampire doesn’t make it in the title. If there’s any movie that screams tasteless garbage this fall, it’s probably this one. Selma Hayek has a beard, as well. And if I have to even read about another movie about a teenager who must leave his normal life behind and become something he’s “destined” to be, let alone a vampire, I’ll bite the head off a bat. I liked Paul Weitz’s drama “In Good Company,” but he should leave the vampire movies to his brother, “Twilight: New Moon” director Chris Weitz.

 

 

 “Surrogates”

I’m never one to write off a science-fiction movie starring Bruce Willis, so I might be wrong on calling “Surrogates” a recycled piece of junk, but I’m going with my gut here.  Dropping at the end of this month, “Surrogates” is another futuristic detective movie like “I, Robot.” The premise is that in the future humans don’t do squat and instead live life through a surrogate, or a robot copy of themselves. Of course surrogates can’t murder but somehow they do, they always do. Damn robots. Anyway, if the director/writer was right I could give “Surrogates” some credit, but it’s “T3: Rise of the Machines” director Jonathan Mostow and the writers behind “T3,” “Terminator Salvation” and “Catwoman.” Yikes. If the premise gets you giggly, save it for DVD. It might even make it out by Christmas.

 

 

 “Couples Retreat”

I’m going to label the star-studded “Couples Retreat” rental-only material as well. I’m warning you though: when this film comes out in early October, someone will ask you on that Friday if you want to see “Couples Retreat.” You’ll say, “what’s it about?” They’ll say “it’s a comedy about marriage counseling with Vince Vaughn, Jason Bateman and Charlotte from “Sex and the City” and a bunch of other people” and you’ll say “cool.” This person is doing you a disservice. Name the last time you laughed at a Vince Vaughn movie? This is just a Hawaiian spin on last year’s “Four Christmases,” an alluring formula movie mixing “Along Came Polly” with “Forgetting Sarah Marshall” or something like that. If you go, you’ll say “it was funny” to your friends or co-workers on Monday but you’ll secretly wish you didn’t pay 10 dollars. Don’t thank me now, thank me later when you don’t see this movie and get a decent kick out of it next spring on DVD.